BEHOLD, THE TRANSLAT-O-CAM

Well, fancy that. I've just had the most amazing thing happen.
"What's that?" I hear you all cry. (not cry as in tearful and upset, I meant cry like a town crier, only ssh, cos you'll wake the neighbours)
I was returning from the local weeny supermarket, when I looked up into the night sky. And guess what I saw. You'll never believe me. I mean, I wouldn't believe anybody that told me this. Well, I may believe some people, because some people are just very good at explaining things in a way which means virtually everybody believes them. (There's a song about that by a band called "The Wizards of Twiddley" I rather like it.) Some folk can just go on saying stuff, using all the best and most accurate terminology and descriptive powers, and still nobody would think that they were telling the truth. If they went on too long, most people would just get a bit bored.

When bored, all sorts of occupations will skip into the mind. They will send minute electrical charges merrily across the synapses in order to get one to do something.

Earlier, when I was bored, I cut all the words in my dictionary out. It took me bloody ages. I've been telling people I've been decorating, but that, my friends, has been a cunning cover story. Once they were all chopped like a wordy spag bol, I climbed up the nearest mountain (just next door as it happens) and threw them into the breeze. Just scattered them randomly. I had considered throwing them one by one, but I'm not an idiot, that would've taken me far too long and I really must get on with the decorating. (DOH!)

Anyhow, having thrown them, I hurriedly sprinted down the mountain to see where the wind had taken them and what might be written.

As if Casting the Runes, these words appeared before my extremely eyes. That's even more than my very eyes, which is quite a bit of eyes, but extremely eyes is noticeably more. If it had been in front of my totally eyes, or even even my wow man, far out dude eyes, I'm not sure if I'd have believed them. I can handle extremely eyes because , though that's, well, extreme, it's not as extreme as wow man far out dude eyes. I mean, what could be?

The words, to return to the point, were laid out as plain as the nose on my face. Actually, the nose on my face isn't terribly plain. I don't mean that in a 'oh, my nose is so gorgeous' sort of way, or the 'I wish my nose wasn't so unusual' sort of way. No, I mean it in the plain to see sort of way, like most people mean. Really, do you all think I'm so strange that I can't use normal expressions such as 'plain as the nose on my face'?

Hey, why don't I post a piccy of the nose on my face? Obviously, I couldn't post a piccy of the nose not on my face, cos it stays on my face on a permanent basis. If my nose was off my face, how would I smell? Like a dog in a German stand up comedy routine probably. But that's beside the point. Not beside the point of my nose. My nose isn't really pointy, it's kind of rounded, a fact with which you will probably concur when you see the photo.

This is me a couple of years ago, when I looked like a girl. If you look closely, you can see my nose. For those who are easily confused, my nose is on the left of my face as we see it here. It's not on the left of my face when you see it from the front. Then it's in the middle, even since the World Title bout, which I only narrowly lost to another bloke who looked like a girl. He was called Daphne, which is odd for a Tiddley Winks Champion.

Now I know what you're thinking. Well, not everything obviously. I'd have to be some kind of deity for that, which means that sooner or later I'd have to ban everybody from commenting on this blogsite. What you are thinking may be this.

Yes, that. But that's a daft thing to think, even when your on holiday in a swimsuit. I know this isn't you, but it's just a photo to illustrate a person thinking. I know, there are two people here, but only one of them would be thinking this thought. The other one is just a figment of the thinking one's imagination. Actually, that was a bit of a fib, there are two here really. You can tell that because cameras can't really pick up people's thoughts. It would be handy if they could, because I would just take a photo of myself in the mirror every time I lost concentration, and I'd be back on the right thread quite soon.

The original piccy of me up there was taken on the same beach as those two. I think they were both Russian, but it's hard to tell from their accents in a photo. Photos can't pick up accents or dialects either, or translate other languages to English. It would be good if they could, because then I could take a photo of people from eg. Russia and look at it to see exactly what they were saying to me, or even about me. They'd probably be saying;

"Why, English bloke, are taking you a the photos and us?" (I know, I know. It's a cheap camera, O.K.)

Of course, my Russian is non-existent from my mouth as well as to my ears, so I'd have to take a picture of me thinking or saying something and show it to them. Since it takes up to 7 days for my photos to get back from the developers, I expect they'd have forgotten what they'd asked me, and the conversation would go rather limp. That's probably the only reason the Translat-o-cam was never invented. Or the Thought-a-matic.

Anyway, since Daphne is a cheat, I'm going to appeal against the result. The least I feel I should get is a rematch.

However, the wind was fairly strong, so once I'd got to the bottom of the mountain, most of the short, and hence, lighter words had blown away. The best I could do to make sense of them all was ask a passer-by. As there weren't any passer's by, I ran around the corner to find one. Eventually I did, and he kindly followed me back to where the words were, despite the atypical nature of my request.

Upon asking him about the scattering words, he looked at me rather oddly. I asked him why he was looking at me rather oddly. Was it an unusual request to ask a total stranger to look at the ground to see if the chopped up words from my dictionary would spell out some sort of message? Most folk would comply wouldn't they, without a funny look? He said no, not at all. It's just that it's Wednesday which means he has to fulfill his New Year resolution to randomly present total strangers with a bizarre countenance. I looked at him strangely. He asked me if that was that my New Year resolution too? I said no, that sort of coincidence would be utterly ridiculous.

After careful consideration, he came to the conclusion that the only coherent message the words spelt out was "Go to the shops and buy a beer"

WWHOAH! That was really weird. Before I'd got bored, I had been wondering if I should just pop up to the shops and buy a beer. Sometimes the Universe is just irrefutably synchronized, isn't it?

That wasn't the weird thing that happened to me though. No, the weird thing was on the way back from the shops, I distinctly made out the shape of a spaceship traversing the Northern part of the sky. Oh, wait a minute. It's still there! Oh No, I'm wrong. It's just an eyelash.

Silly me, I've probably wasted quite a bit of your time, haven't I?

OH CAROL!

Deck the halls with bits of plastic
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
One day left, it's getting drastic
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Stuff the bird right up it's column
Fa la lah, fa la lah, fa la laah
Feckin' Slade, let's kill the volume!
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah

Grannie snoozes, spills her sherry
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Dad's impression of Chuck Berry
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Kids with cola agitation
Fa la lah, fa la lah, fa la laah
Wizard deafens half the nation
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah

( up one tone)

Bloggers! Let's all have a party!
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Mags, Lorenzo, Meta, Marty,
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Scriptor Senex, and Raehla
Fa la lah, fa la lah, fa la laah
J.L.S. (who's not a fella)
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah

Not forgetting old man Maalie
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Who, like me, is not called Charlie
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Tortoishell and even Plumpy.
Fa la lah, fa la lah, fa la laah
Let's get pissed so no-ones grumpy.
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah

Then, of course, there's me, T. Rexy.
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Charming, erudite and sexy.
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah
Wine, gin, sherry flow, abundant
Fa la lah, fa la lah, fa la laah
Shame I just got made redundant
Fa la la la laah, la la la laah

FAH LAH LAH LAH LAAAH, LAH LAH LLAAAHMMAAAAAGH!!!!

(Roll on feckin' summer!!!!)

It's Tough Being Magnus (reincarnate)

So many comments, so little time. Ok, The Winner Is.............................Metamatician with 86 pts. He was followed by Scriptor Senex, 63 and then Raehla, 55. Empath, 38 and a half, LtL with 35, JLS with 33 Mags a sulkworthy 31, and Bytedoc aways back from that. Total pts available were about 160.
I think Byte had a bad cold that affected his short, long and medium term memories. I thank him for his sterling efforts, pop by any time, dude.
JLS gave a full and frank military style orienteering super trigonometry answer for Qu. Z, but could have tried better earlier for a podium finish. Be fair though, she does live upside down on the other side of the world, which must be awfully tiring.
What can I say about "The Llama" which hasn't been said already? Well, here goes. In all my born days I've never read such extraordinary brown-nosing, but since it was by invitation in effect, fair play to our four legged inebriate. It didn't do her any good whatsoever, as I decided that playing God is more like acting the goat with a llama and her farmers (I assume you must have had 'farmers' at least once in your life. Quite painful, don't use the bullet shaped suppositories.) Even changing answers was of no use at all. Let me know if you can't remember anything you gave as an answer, I'll send 'em on. Many thanks for your many long hours of hard work.
Empath, my sweet, quiet, unassuming friend. One of three Americans, who all got the baseball question right. Bless you for finishing though it was way past your bedtime (naps count as bedtime). Great try with Sussex, which I will be in next week visiting my parents (and borders Kent and is nearly as pretty). My rectal temp was 106, time to get in a bath or shove some ice up my Khyber. Half point for being 0.2 mtrs outside the 1 pt region (I'm such a pig, but a benevolent pig at least)

And so onto the podium finishers.

Raehla. A late entry gains the bronze gong, and after engaging any number of bored Spaniards on the war Prime ministers of Great Britain over the odd Rioja, consistently good all round knowledge. Beef up your U.S. history or bribe me to include anything Spanish and you're onto a winner. Hope the Solstice party is in full flow and the mulled people are being drunk by the laughing, happy wine.
Scriptor Senex, the unashamed Dark Horse of this competition, and a lot of punters(me) outside bet for the title, has rolled home in a creditable second place. An imaginary silver medal adorns his stately sternum as we speak. The ONLY person to score on the tricky and pivotal Qu.V. Listening to odd music in his youth would have put him closer to the title. Many thanks for his published support to my blog space, and for giving this quiz a 'ruddy good stab'

And now, for your eyes and delectation, I hereby announce that the winner is a pain in the ass. Quite clearly his persistent calling into question of my sexuality and hassling for results has ground me into the dirt. So I'm up far too late again, tippy-tapping away to satisfy his every cyber need (well, nearly!!!) Talk about odd, he got FULL MARKS on the U.S. presidents section. Who was history teachers pet at school, then hmm? Knows his films but was second on that to the lovely Raelha. Unusual not to get the baseball/Clooney connection.

And so, to Meta dude, REX'S BIG BRAINIAC GRAND CHAMPION OF THE WORLD FOREVER COMPETITION WINNER, goes a big congratulatory and manly slap on the rump with a wet towel. You can have the trumpet back now. I've wiped and sterilised the soggy end. Go to the top of the class and the foot of my stairs.

Is there something I've forgotten to say? Oh, yes!!! Of course there is. Many huge heart-and-soul-felt thanks to Magdalene. She was the first to complete the quiz even though she was hanging and rinsed from a hard day at the office. I consider this to be the very meaning of the word support. However, I think a long series of intensive one to one tutorials is in order to enhance her chances in future tests of knowledge. I shall swap the now totally greasy uniform for a pair of brown corduroys and a green jacket with leather patches on the elbows. Excuse me whilst I grow some dangerous sideburns (nesting bird life optional) and become an absolute boon in her erstwhile gappy education.

Be happy in your hearts my fellow humans, for knowledge itself is not the point of life. The experiences had whilst attempting to gain it and the wisdom to use it once it has been captured pale it's acquisition into the shadows.

Happy Solstice!

Rex's Big Bad Quiz Results.

And so, here are the answers you've all been waiting for. Sorry it took so long. My p.c. decided to fecked up last week and then I had to go and do my Nurse Rexy bit. I can only just fit into that uniform with a bit of help from a giant shoe horn type device and plenty of grease. Still, whatever turns me on, eh.

A; He cannot smell, he has no nose. ( German stand up comedian answer)2 pts (1pt for any silly answer regarding dogs)

B; 9. Look at a Brit keyboard. Sorry to all who don't have one. 2pts

C; First woman in space. 2pts

D; Built 1904-1906, sunk by U-boat 1915, effectively bringing U.S. into the 1st world war. 4pts

E; George Michael. 2pts (1pt for anybody who put a gay person down as an answer.)

F; Barry Bonds (big news stateside, the rest of us don't like rounders much)

G; Magical Mystery Tour. (can't believe those who were teenagers in the 60's didn't get this)

H; All 2pts each

i Marty Scorcese
ii Stan Kubrick
iii Steve Spielberg
iv Alf Hitchcock
v Olly Stone (kicking yourself, anybody in Spain?)
vi Bruce Robinson (likewise any Americans?)
vii Ridley Scott
viii George Roy Hill (who?)
ix Arthur Hiller (whoer???)
x Spike Jonze

I; Scooby-doo, Shaggy, Velma, Fred, Daphne. 1pt each ( nobody ever gets Vela so Selma, Themla, etc got point)

J; Vermont (verte, green; mont, mountains) 2pts

K; Kent (guess where I'm from) 2pts

L1; Arsenal (the clue was in the cough for dedicated Morecombe and Wise fans)

L2; Mitch Mitchell (Jimi Hendrix Experience)

LSD; No answer scores points. This question was the tie breaker, each answer given a judged score out of ten by me cos I'm the quiz dude.

M; Addis Ababa 9.03 N
Brasilia 15.5 S
Kathmandu 27.2 N
Tokyo 35.4 N
Washington DC 38.5 N
Beijing 39.3 N
Paris 48.5 N
Prague 50 N
London 51.3 N
Rekjavik 64.1 N
Brasilia being the only Southern hemisphere city is therefore furthes from the North pole. 2pts each answer in correct place in order 1-10

N; Phillip Pullman

O; U.K.-'It's All Over Now', (bad luck to the quadrupeds among us)
U.S.-'Satisfaction' 2pts each

P; Herbert Henry Asquith
David Lloyd George
Neville 'Piece of paper' Chamberlain
Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill 2pts each

Q; Sir David Attenborough

R; Cincinatti Reds,
Sparky the gay dog,
6/5/1961,
Timothy. (snigger)

S; Spike Lee,
Spike Jones,
Spike Milligan,
Spike Robinson.(Who?)

T; James Monroe,
Andrew Jackson,
Abe "Ssshh, I'm trying to hear the operaaaagghh!!" Lincoln,
Ulysses S. Grant,
Grover "not really a Muppet" Cleveland,
Theodore "bang! shit was that a bear? Hey, guys, bury it and don't tell or you're fired" Roosevelt,
Calvin 'Klein' Coolidge,
F.D.R. Roosevelt,
George H.W. "best adverisement for contraception I've ever seen" Bush,
Bill 'The Inhaler' Clinton.

F.D.R. had the most V.P. numbering three. 2pts each and 2pts for bonus

U; Blue. (bet you wish you'd guessed now, huh) 2pts

V; aye-aye 4, X llama 4, X spider 8, X human 2, X scorpion 8 = 2048
cerberus 3, + minataur, 1 + hippocamp 1, + gorgon, 1 + centaur 1, + sphinx 1= 8
2048/8=256 12 pts

W; Any answer gets a 2 pt gimme. Everybody answered.

X; Graham Chapman

Y;
i American black bear
ii duck billed platypus
iii Tasmanian devil
iv brown bear
v russian hamster
vi guinea pig
vii ring tailed lemur
viii raccoon
ix channel islands spotted skunk
x badger (The ones you find in Britain, usually viewed as roadkill, sadly) 2pts each(not if you kill one, silly, in the quiz)

Z; J.L.S. gave the best answer, with all the working. She therefore gets 5pts +1pt for being a bloody smartass. I just did my calcs on a bit of graph paper. So the answer is 4.45m apparently. 5 pts for bang on or within one metre and 1 pt for within six metres.



And that's it folks. I thank you all from the heart of my bottom. Now it's so cold in my house I'm gonna hug the radiator. B.F.N.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have a Winner

But I'm not gonna tell you who it is until tomorrow at least cos I'm looking after a poorly chum and can't do it right now. I will not embarrass the lower scorers by posting scores, nor tell anybody what they got. You'll have to work it out by yourselves because tomorrow I'll post the answers and how much each correct one was worth. Then, when you've worked out what you think you've got, you can post it back to me. Or not, as you see fit. If you so wish, you can all discuss the matter between yourselves, behind my cyber-back if necessary, and decide probably never to do one of my quizzes again.

Thank you all for entering, it did make me laugh and give me a chance to put on the mortar board and gown. Thanks Lorenzo for all the terrible crawling, which had an effect which you will figure out when the results become apparent. I'm still waiting on the brown envelope. Bloody x(christ)mas post, I expect.

To mix my sign offs somewhat, toodle-pipski, y'all! Da svidenya, moi drug.

Leavings

I live lost in solitude,
Kindred spirits my only connection
To reality.
Here in a warm womb of melancholic nirvana,
There is a soft sadness born of sweet joy
That my heart is held safe by distant hands.
And I will hold their hearts forever
For within the purity of their wisdom
Lies no wish for greater love.
And I could not ask my Mother, The Earth
For greater trust.

It's Quiz Time.

Not to be outdone by a certain American gentleman, (you know who you are) I have decide to throw my ring into a hat and write a quiz.

I don't know why, just wasting some of the time I could be using to plan the single handed ascent of Everest I had pencilled in for next wednesday after work.

Still, I expect it would've rained anyhow.

I must point out the 'Rules' before you all go straight to wikipedia.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, UGLY THREAT PLEASE DO NOT USE WIKIPEDIA OR ANY BOOKS OR OTHER REFERENCE STUFF.

It's not much fun just looking things up. That's just like doing your homework. This is supposed to be a pub quiz type quiz. So I would suggest you get yourself a nice glass of beer, or perhaps meths in some cases, and pretend you're in a boozer. No books to look at, and on this occasion, you are Billy/Betty Nomates. You're on your own, you poor old saddo. Nobody is near enough for you to peep over their shoulder or read their lips as they blurt out the answers to their team-mates.

Besides, there really isn't any point in cheating cos there's only an imaginary prize. However, the greater your imagination, the more you stand to win. But just imagine if you will, how bad you'll feel when all your winnings have been gained not only by imagination, but also by cribbing. You'll only be fooling yourselves. And of course, a certain Mr. Clause will find out and then a certain stocking will be several pounds lighter in a few weeks. There are some dudes over whose eyes there is no wool to be found, and upon whom, there are no flies.


So, I have enabled the comment moderation again for the duration of this post only cos I don't want an email address on the blog for obvious reasons. This means that should anybody actually take part in the quiz of the day, (queeez de jour) they won't spoil it for everybody else unless I'm stupid enough to post their comment. However, if anybody posts a set of answers which are entirely incorrect, I'll post that comment and shame them forever.


Extra points may be awarded to crawlers who tell me I'm just super and all that, but points may be deducted for uber-creepyness.


Hey, I make up 'The Rules', O.K.


I will of course, endeavour to be fair and honest in the marking. Forgive me if any of the answers I give, should we all get that far, are actually incorrect. After all, I'm not the reincarnation of Magnus Sodding Magnusson, (correct)?

Disputes will be settled by a calm rewriting of 'The Rules' and history as we have previously known it.


And so, having made myself utterly clear to all and sundry,

"Let The Games begin!"

A; My dog's got no nose, how does he smell?

B; £ is to 5 as & is to ...what?

C; For what is Valentina Tereshkova most famously known?

D; What year was the R.M.S. Lusitania built and in which year did it sink?

E; Which British 'pop star' bought John Lennon's piano upon which Lennon wrote the song 'Imagine'

F; Which Major League baseball (rounders) star holds the world record for the most home runs ever?

G; On which Beatles album is the song 'Your mother should know'?

H; Who directed the following cult or blockbusting movies.
i) The King of Comedy
ii) 2001 A space Odyssy
iii) Jaws
iv) The 39 steps
v) The Doors
vi)Withnail and I
vii) Alien
viii) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
ix)Love Story
x)Being John Malcovich

I; Name the five usual passengers of 'The Mystery Machine'

J; Which U.S. state is known as 'The Green Mountain State'

K; Which English county is known as 'The Garden of England'

L1; Who won the F.A. cup in 1936? (cough)

L2; 'If 6 was 9' , who was the drummer?

L.S.D; If it takes three men thirteen days per month to walk a fortnight, how many apples in a barrel of grapes?

M; Please put these capital cities in order determined by their distance from the equator, closest first.
London, Rekyavik, Kathmandu, Tokyo, Addis Ababa, Prague, Brasilia, Paris, WashingtonD.C. Beijing. Bonus points for saying which is furthest from the North Pole.

N; Who wrote the 1995 novel, 'The Northern Lights'

O; What was The Rolling Stones first U.K. no 1 hit single? What was their first U.S.no 1 single?

P; Who were the four U.K. prime ministers in office during W.W.1. and W.W.2?

Q; Which 'Knight of the Realm' was the controller of B.B.C. 2 from 1965 - 1968?

R; Famous actor and all round attractive hunk George Clooney tried out for which U.S. baseball team? Played which character in 'South Park'? Was born on what date? And has what middle name, if any????

S; The following names are the forenames of four famous, or famous(ish) people all nicknamed 'Spike'.
Shelton Jackson; Lindley Armstrong; Terence Alan Patrick Sean; Henry Bertold.
What are their surnames?

T; Please put these U.S. presidents into chronological order.
George H.W. Bush; Grover Cleveland; Abe Lincoln; Andrew Jackson; Theo Roosevelt; Calvin Coolidge; Bill (cigar-box) Clinton; Franklin D.R. Roosevelt; James Monroe; Ulysses S. Grant.
For a bonus five points, which one had the most vice presidents serve under them.

U; What colour shirt am I currently wearing?

V; If you were to multiply together the number of legs which the following real creatures would usually have :- spider, aye-aye, human, scorpion, llama; and then divide it by the total number of heads from these mythical creatures :- cerberus, minataur, hippocamp, gorgon, sphinx, centaur; what number do you arrive at?

W; What time is it?

X; Who played King Arthur in the epic film, 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'?

Y; The following are latin names for animals. What are their common or English names?
i) ursus americanus
ii) ornithorynchus anatinus
iii) sarcophillus harrisii
iv) ursus arctos
v) phodopus cambelli
vi) cavie porcellus
vii) lemur catta
viii) procyon lotor
ix) spirogale gracilis amphiala
x) meles meles

Z; You are on a large flat surface, like an airfield. (disused). You walk 10 metres to the south, then 10 metres to the east, then 10 metres to the north, then 9 metres to the east, 10 metres to the south west, 15 metres to the north, and finally 10.6 metres to the south west to the nearest metre, how many metres are you from where you started.

Good luck everybody, you're gonna need it. Remember NOT TO CHEAT cos it took me BLOODY AGES to write this all out and then type it and do the research(?) in the first place and it'll spoil EVERYBODY'S FUN if you do. The closing date is open, probably about a week or when I'm bored or can't mark any more.....cos I'm bored or it's all too much and threatening to ruin my kids x(christ)mas. Oh and one more thing. One of the above questions is for tie break purposes only. You don't know which one it is, but I do. So you'd better try to answer them all well, cos you may end up in a dead heat with somebody and then all your imaginary prizes will vanish in a puff of apathy.