Sunday, 16 March 2008

LUDWIG VAN SPIDER; A STORY OF CROSS SPECIES COMMUNICATION

It takes an absolute age to teach a common garden spider to play Beethoven on a web. Firstly one has to link the intricate silken threads through a midi interface, no mean feat I can tell you. I had to enlist the help of one or two of our visitor friends for that one, but therein lies another long winded tale of intergalactic travel and other-worldly antics I can tell you just wouldn't wish to be burdened with, so I'll not bother today.
video
I reckon this little chap seems to have embraced the subtle nuances and minor to major key changes of one of the world's most enigmatic and recognisable piano pieces, even if I, his mentor, may say so myself.
It took a great deal of patience and understanding, not helped tremendously by my own ineptitude on the old Joanna, which knows no bounds. I haven't even got as far as 'Chopsticks.'
However, through unparallelled diligence and a rigorous diet of flies and woodlice, (I hate bluebottles especially, and those invertebrates get stuck between your teeth, yeeuk!) myself and Ludwig struck up a rapport musical which may go a very long way towards furthering homo-arachnid relations beyond anything the space program and all those experiments with L.S.D. ever managed.
At first, he found it easier to play if he went too fast. Impassioned cries of 'Adagio! Adagio!' could be heard across the haphazard urban landscape, as I pleaded with him to slow the piece down from the Andante he seemed to have settled upon. I was almost at the end of my tether, and so literally was Ludwig, when one beautiful Autumn morning, I took my early cuppa into the garden to find Little Luddy, concentration etched across his tiny multi-eyed brow, winding his way around the web, calmly and with such concupiscence as to bring a tear to even the most hard hearted of fellows. Each gentle up rise in tempo, each contour of the sound so delicately navigated it put me in mind of a youthful Evgeny Kissin.
And so, today, you can hear the piece in it's entirety. I hope you can enjoy it and perhaps it may inspire you to take up the challenge of inter-species communication. Let me know if you decide to train a centipede to tap dance, or encourage an ant colony to form a Welsh Style Voice Choir. It is difficult, but if you can handle the constant knock backs, the rewards are bountiful and uplifting beyond your wildest imaginations.
Good Luck, comrades in artistic ventures. With your success, the world will owe you a debt of immeasurable gratitude.
(All music composed by Ludwig Van Beethoven)

24 comments:

lorenzothellama said...

Well, this is pretty amazing. Perhaps you could teach him the Flight of the Bumble Bee, or does he only do Beethoven?

You have inspired me to get of my pert little behind and do a blog myself!

Incidentally Rexy old bean, there will be split loyalties on today's wordimperfect as we are both on the poll. Unfortunately Sandy Fecking Feet is winning.

Thesaurus Rex said...

Sadly, before we had a chance to expand his repertoir, Little Luddy, as he became affectionately known, was eaten by an old woman who also swallowed a fly. He did wriggle and tiggle and wiggle inside her, but of course to no avail. We sent in a bird, though quite absurd, to attempt rescue, but it was never seen again either. Despite a rigorous and robust police investigation, we still dunno why she swallowed a fly.
If anybody has any rediculous ideas on the subject, feel free to comment.
Re wordimp, if Sandy feet wins, we'll just call her smelly feet for ever. That'll show HER, huh!

Rob Hopcott said...

Too soon, forsooth, too soon for such a wonderful character that has shot across the sky amidst a spangle of stars to fall to earth and die.

Prithee, could he not be resurrected for an encore?

Viking Warrior said...

Oh do be quiet you fecking old ejit
that calleth himself Rob. Don't thou start 'forsoothing' me. Do ye not want Viking protection at yon caff?

Theswhotsit calleth Rex shouldest send in horse for little old woman to eateth.

Thesaurus Rex said...

That's rIdiculous, of course.
Vikky; She'll die, of course.
Rob; Star spangled, ban her, off course.

Magdalene said...

I suggest a strong emetic. That should do the trick. Failing that, perhaps you could train other garden inhabitants to perform? I bet Russell and Splop would make great jazz brass performers.

Thesaurus Rex said...

Said amphibians are not on speaking terms until Splop has had at least 4 months solid hibernation. You know how grumpy some creatures are if you wake them up too early even with a cup of tea. I'm sure after that we could get them to assemble a freeform experimental jazz quartet. Just a question of having those tiny instruments made for them.

Thesaurus Rex said...

By the way, for those wondering how a pair of amphibians can form a quartet, you'd have to ask them the actual detail. But I expect they'll ask a couple of newts if they can keep them off the beer long enough. I know, it's likely to end in a tale as sad as that of Miss Winehouse, but even the pond life needs it's celeb casualties. As for the frogs, who knows?

Magdalene said...

Garden life. Bah! I was up at 7 am, running around with field glasses to try and locate the sodding bird again. To no avail of course.

PerlNumquist said...

An amazing feat for an octopode to excel in an arena where convention expects 10 digits. Methinks pedipalps must also have been utilised.

Musical ability need not however be confined to to arthropods, amphibeans or vertibrates: I heard once some NUtty Old Geezer (TM) who through his beard, explained that by attaching crocodile clips to plants which connected to some kind of thereming type device, a herbacious refrain could be produced. I think in hindsight it was probably just the plant say "Ow, get those bloody crocoldile clips off my leaves!" In Geranium or some such dialect.
The universe is packed full of music, why even spheres make it apparently, but not cuboids. They are just.. no. That would be just toopredictable a quip. i desist.

Magdalene said...

How fascinating. That reminds me of an acid trip I took when I was 16. I was convinced that every time I took a bite out of an apple, I could hear it scream.

I'm better now thank you....or worse depending on how you view these things.

Hey Rexy! As you can see, my internet is back in action so you can prattle away to your heart's content over the weekend :-)

Metamatician said...

Ignoring the first sentence of Mags' last comment...

This had got to be the strangest post I've ever encountered. Just limiting things to Rex's blog, that's still a huge statement.

For once in my life I'm speechless. Except to tell you I'm speechless, of course.

Metamatician said...

Not first sentence, I meant first paragraph.

Thesaurus Rex said...

Perl; Croc clips on the leaves? Sounds a bit S&M. Perhaps some of you would like to try that at home this weekend? (warn the local hospitals first)
Mags; Apples DO scream when you bite them.
Meta; Yep, it's a weird, wacky world, my microcosmic neighbourhood. Must pop over to your gaff, shan't be a tick...

lorenzothellama said...

Of course apples scream when you eat them. They sound like lobsters do when they are being killed.
Broccoli, cauliflower and cabbages seem to grunt when you cut them up, and I won't repeat the language the potatoes use when you peel them.

Metamatician said...

I wonder what kind of a jig that spider would dance to "This Charming Man"?

Viking Warrior said...

I hopeth yon interfereth not with yon lassie Magdalene?

Metamatician said...

Viking - I harrass and interfere with Mags all the time. Wanna try that mighty axe out on me?

I just happen to be carrying around a couple of great-swords on me today, one in each hand. Their names are Naegling and Hrunting.

Be sure to say hi to Odin for me; I hear Asgard has great hunting in the spring, too. Watch out for Loki though, he's a twat.

Maalie said...

Vultures make good musicians as they soar in the thermals. They have ten primary feathers on each wing for the tonal scale, and the secondaries make the semitones. They play like some sort of avian aeolian harp.

Magdalene said...

Nothing like a bit of cyberinterference. Bring it on! :-)

Viking Warrior said...

Hast thou replaced thy robes yon Rex?

Ju's little sister said...

Ooooh, boys fighting over you magdalene and on the internet too the silly juveniles!

Hehe,

You haven't fought for me yet VW, or are you having trouble finding my wee island nation?

Ju's little sister said...

Sexy Rexy on the Pianny, Plumpy and I have a reply post for you but it wont be on the internet until we've uploaded it onto youtube which will take bout 3 days. Stay tuned.

Plumpy said...

It's up! It's up! Come to my blog and watch!

I nearly gottem too!