Tuesday, 31 August 2010

LONG LIVE THE SHED

Greetings once again from Rex.
Thank you for visiting/revisiting. It's been a while and I suppose apathy and distraction have torn my attention from this blog to such things as cricket, children moving schools, and work. None of these things are capable of stopping the creative flow. They actually are or can become the conduit for one's creativity to blossom.

And so, inevitably, to the issue of the hitherto unseen new shed.
Here is a summary of comments elicited from those who have laid eyes upon the shed's unique form and astonishingly intricate and thoroughly appropriate design. The content of these statements is subject to possible digressions from the original due to time induced recall lapse.

I have also changed or omitted names to protect the innocent/guilty.

"...I was talking to a friend who built a shed from a patchwork of different bits of wood. I had envisaged something like that, but this is something really different." remarked friend and neighbour Ozwald Guillimot.

Socialite stalwarts the Ming-Bunters, who were over for the annual Art and Mindbend Soiree, were moved to point out the conflict between it's use as either leisure or practical space. However, lover and Director of Weekend Entertainment Doris Blotch had this to say " That's nice dear, what is it?"
To some, it seems, my work has become inappreciable.

During the many hours of labour, though it was not the hottest of summers, teabreaks were a-plenty. Pictured here is the scene of one of those many pauses for refreshment. To the right can be seen the cunning use of internal doors as a large window. Sheds can be such dauntiingly dark places, and I decided to make mine quite the reverse. It helps when looking for those screws/nails/little bits of stuff which ping off into the otherwise dingier recesses during the process of junk shifting I call D.I.Y.

Here is a brief pictorial summary of the type of chaos I seem to prefer to work by whilst constructing anything bigger or more complex than a cheese sandwich. Surely, I hear you cry, somebody as reluctant to employ the necessary organisational skills or regard to health and safety regimes usually attributed to adult humans should never be allowed to purchase let alone use power tools such as the one depicted.

It's a free-ish country however, people can keep caged birds, cycle without helmets, drink strong coffee etc. So I figure I can tempt fate with a speedily rotating saw blade which would have ones digits reduced to mere bloody stumps within a split second.

And as those heady days back in 2008 rolled on, and the cricket season in it's politeness gave way to another brash and noisy bunch of overpaid oiks in football kits, the ediface began slowly to take shape.

Recycling all I could gather in my locale, the greatest aquisition I believe was the 4' square kitchen window. Whole, unbroken, in full working order and fully waterproof. It weighed quite a bit, so controlling the skateboard upon which I chose to transport it was tricky at first.

But control it I did and after several months of sitting under a tarp in the garden, the installation was a success and it looked like this. Note the flowering fennel in front of it, attracting as it does a variety of hoverflies and their nectar-guzzling cousins



Artists impression of what transporting windows on a skatebord could have looked liked to an innocent bystander.

Here I can show you the interior doors that were in the best condition put to use as the comely face of the shed. It faces the house this way and I wash up looking straight at it. Washing up needs a decent view if possible. I'll allow you to make your own judgements, but I can stomach looking at this for 10 minutes at a stretch.
And here is one of those arty-farty oblique sort of views.
You may note that the tree in the background looks bare and yet this was reportedly the end of summer. Well, it's down to the ravenous nature of sawfly lavae. Those little bastards stripped every single piece of greenery from next door's spunky smelling tree inside two weeks of spring, reducing it to the skeletal form which it holds to this day.
A couple of years after completion, in the spirit of Alan Titchmarsh and the Ground Force team but without the smarm or wobbley boobs, I am proud to revisit the scene where architecture meets a junk yard. It is a unique construction, and is a place of solace and solitude without which I would get rained on, and so would quite a few of my rag-tag possessions.
Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses to that most characterful of garden dwellers,

THE SHED.









Monday, 30 August 2010

Hmm..

I travel in my mind to a thousand different places a day. If only my body could follow. I know very little of astral projection, but if I could get some in a jar nearby and reconstitute it by simply adding hot water I would. I despise the modern era of instant life via credit, coffee jars, dvd links on the net. This virtual reality we are fed every waking minute of every day is killing so many of us from within and yet even those of us who are aware of this are apparently powerless to alter the cataclysmic course these invasions are taking us on.



(Written in January this year, somewhere in a dark place I surmise.)

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

DISCOVERIES


I'll write this all in large type for the hard of hearing.

Here is something utterly stupid I have learnt to do whilst I have been away from the blogosphere. It's not all I've been doing. There has been work, decorating, cricket, drinking tea, visiting The B.F.G. and watching the days get shorter and shorter and shorter.

Soon I will be watching the days get longer and longer again. There is a possibility many more works of depth and integrity may ensue in time, but for now, all you lovely people will have to put up with this one addition to the wonderful world of utterly ridiculous 'art'.

Please enjoy.

I apologise for my lack of posting, especially about the shed as some of you will have burst with the suspense by now, of that I am sure.

I also apologise for not continuing to comment on your own efforts blogging about all manner of interests, but I lost all enthusiasm for doing so and hope to be back to my facetious and sardonic japes forthwith.

Until then good fellows, adieu and be good at least till Santa stuffs your stockings.

Happy Solstice!

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

JUST SOME FUNNY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.

ANTROPOLIS

CITY OF A MILLION LEGS


This photo of the Great City of Antropolis was taken last year when the sun shone. It shone again I'm sure this year, but the rain today got into my ear at a funny angle and appears to have washed my memory bank clean so I can't remember it.



And here is my next door neighbour, the tree. It's performing an astonishing feat of balance here, by balancing millions of tiny pieces of frozen water on top of each other. I don't know how it keeps so still. Probably practises when nobody is looking.

I think also I should show you all that there are lovely places to look at in this Sceptred Isle and that I've been to one or two of them. I went alongside The B.F.G. to the faraway land known locally as Kernow. It has a jagged edge which gets you wet if you stand too close to it. This was the view from the B.&B. Not bad if I may say so myself.



Anyway, Enough of the raiding of my hard drive for inspiration and a few memories. It's time to tuck up in a little bed with a cuppa and start a new and B.F.G. recommended funny book.

Nite Nite.

Friday, 17 July 2009

SHED OR ALIVE !

Reports of my death would have been greatly exaggerated if there had been any.

Sorry about the lack of shed stuff.

It's still stands and doesn't leak.

I broke another finger.

My head aches, not presumably related to a finger snapping incident.

My cricket team hasn't won any games this year.

I have accidentally usurped the captain to regain my rightful place as The Big Cheese.

My son is growing at an alarming rate.

My daughter is a legal adult, but struggles daily with the real implications therein.

I have been a legal adult for 28 years and 2 weeks and I still struggle with the legal, moral and other general implications therein.

I still wish for the extermination of all advertising executives.

I have completed Meta's questionnaire, a life achievement akin to climbing Everest or discovering time travel.

I still have a job.

I still love the B.F.G.

It's still fuckin' rainin' here!

Solstice came and went and I hardly noticed it.

I haven't had an alcoholic drink for 10 days.

Elderflower champagne doesn't count because it's far too weak.

If I ruled the World, every day would be the first day of last week.

I'm so very glad I'm not called Percival.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

I should write to my Australian mate.

My neck hurts.

Cheese can possibly save the world from annihilation.

I'm just trying to find the bridge.

Moffs enjoy the environs surrounding my bathroom light, even they probably know it isn't good for them.

Bob Dylan can't sing.

Is this the eighth wonder of the world?

Thursday, 22 January 2009

GANG OF TEDS

This took me back to a much older persons childhood. A gang of Teds hanging around the street in the dark.
I expect they were all just off to listen to some Elvis or comb their D.A. 'Barnets' incessantly whilst trying to chain smoke Chesterfields without removing them from their pursed lips.


Actually, I could be making all that up. They may have been waiting for a bus.


When they got on it, they would probably have hogged the backseat upstairs and tried to dodge their fares, and then when they got off they would have said

"GET STUFFED GRANDAD !!!"

to the conductor as they bounced away on their beetlecrushers and winklepickers.


To tell the truth, once I'd plucked up the Dutch Courage, I asked the nicest looking one of them what such a fine upstanding socio-economic sub-group was doing at that time of the evening.

He replied that Paul McCartney was doing a photo shoot for his new album, 'Band on the Run Again' and had asked for a group of hip kids to pose for the cover, and not to forget the spotlight.

Bastard never showed up, did he!











No wonder they look so glum

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

TINY LITTLE DUDE.


Here is a photo of a tiny little dude.




I dont think at first he was aware of the camera, but once he did notice it,
he
became
an
absolUTe

SLUT
for the lens!!!
Quite frankly, this particular reproduction is the only offering
which is possible
to put up on a blog without fear of being flagged as leud.

If you see a very small person, male or female about your house or maybe even whilst walking your ferrets, please make sure you dont accept a cheque from one in payment for any goods or services. Very little dudes have aquired almost unimaginable notoriety as con artists and swindlers. They would gull the last stitch from their own favourite Auntie. They can't help it, just second nature. In fact, in some necks of the woods it's rude not to.