Monday, 4 February 2008

I MEAN, GORDON BENNETT !!?**!

I don't wish anybody to get alarmed, but I believe there is a national, even global plot afoot which surrounds one of the most notorious men in expletive history. I speak of course, of Gordon Bennett. It has become clear to me that one of the nefarious activities of Mr. Gordon Bennett is the recycling of discarded materials into shop goods to be sold back to the general public, only a short while before that same public realise it's all shit and take it to the nearest skip.




And so on, and so on, ad infinitum until Mr. B is rolling in piles of crisp £20 notes.

When investigating such criminal behavior, I must call upon my amazing powers of under-cover disguise. I wrapped myself in a couple of old bin liners and hid inside this skip for several days, living off food scraps, until it was collected and taken to an outlet for the recycled crap.
I had not wasted my time in the skip at night, and by the light of a nearby street lamp had managed to cobble together a working if not terribly attractive camera from bog roll tubes and a bottle-bottom. Through this device, I managed to take this tell tale picture of the outlet in a town in the South West of England.



Potentially thousands if not millions of pounds per day cross the palms of the vendors of misery inside. Shortly after this photo was taken, I was spotted by security and had to make a desperate dash for freedom. I'd have got(ten) away with it if it weren't for those meddling security guards. I've only just returned from one of their sweat shops making Easter bunnies out of discarded Christmas tree baubles. My fingers are still sore.
Don't be sucked into this nightmare. Avoid any contact with Gordon Bennett at all costs.

24 comments:

Magdalene said...

'Hid inside this skip for several days.' What utter bollox! Honestly the long winded lengths you go to to disguise your eccentricities. He wasn't hiding in the skip dear readers, he was most likely rummaging through it himself, true Gordon Bennett style. In Fact, Rex IS Gordon Bennett.

*Wanders off humming the tune to Steptoe & Son.*

lorenzothellama said...

I think there should be a television programme called 'skip watch'. So many wonderful things can be pulled out of skips. Looking at other people's rubbish never ceases to amaze me! It's a bit like watching other people's shopping on the conveyor belt. What a lot of crap some people eat.

Magdalene said...

What a lot of crap other people retrieve, more like. Stop encouraging him Lorenzo.

lorenzothellama said...

I once nicked a couple of old, metal, round loud speakers from the tip and made them into rather nice plant pots for the garden. They were great until they rusted through.

Magdalene said...

I'm not averse to a little recycling. Ninety percent of evrything I own is second hand. I'm just a little more selective than some people. Just because somebody is throwing it out doesn't mean that I have to take it in. Rex has a weakness for old doors. He has quite a lot of them. The trouble being that because they are mostly horzontally arranged, you can't have any fun opening and shutting them and generally doing door like things with them such as using them to go from one room to another.

I wonder how much longer I can get away with saying cheeky things about him before he notices?

Magdalene said...

"I am horzontally occupied," she said, tucking a tenner into her bodice.

Ju's little sister said...

Rexy, I am insulted that you think I would brag about reading Mr Men books, and that the reading of nine of them took twelve days. What does this say about my intelligence level? Mostly, it says, I am not very intelligent at all. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!
I was not referring to Mr Men books, when I made that comment on your previous post. They were Little Miss books.

So there!

Raelha said...

I know someone who once found £1,000 in a skip - it was hidden in old tobacco tins that were hidden in an old paint tin full of sand. He's also found Victorian fireplaces, antique chairs... This is in Bristol too. I never saw anything of use in Cardiff skips.

Magdalene said...

Stop it I say! Do you women not realise that the mention of £1000 in Bristol skips is likely to cause such a frenzy of rubbish rummaging that I fear for his health. Rex is uncannily good at finding money lying in the street and this sort of encouragement is uneccessary.

Ps. His computer has died, so we can get away with gossip and insults for a quite a while I reckon!

pps. Mister men books are class literature.

lorenzothellama said...

Mr Men books are classic literature as you say Mags. but Little Miss Poncy books are CRAO JLS!!
I also like the original Thomas the Tanker books, not the travesty Ringo Starr made. I love the troublesome trucks and snooty Gordon the express train.

Magdalene said...

My favourites are some of the Beatrix potter series. The humour in them is wonderful because she puts things in such a dry and understated way. Rex bought me the Tale of Samuel Whiskers, because it's my absolute favourite.

lorenzothellama said...

Beatrix Potter is a bit too advanced for me. I never got over Squirrel Nutkin losing his tail.

I prefer the Flower Fairy books where animals don't come to a sticky end, and there can't be much more of a sticky end after Squirrel Nutkin lost his tail.
Lorenzo.

today's word is pigbova. Sounds a bit like Catherine Tate.

Spc. Freeman said...

I dunno to whom or what you refer, but I shall most certainly heed your advice. A stunning piece of investigative journalism. I'm calling the student activism unions as we speak. Before you know it, there will be a pack of patchouli smelling college kids playing hack outside your cell and chanting "Free Thesaurus Rex!" You can thank me later.

P.S. Yeah. Hey. I'm back.

Ju's little sister said...

Ladies you make me laugh - T-Rexy caught me bragging unnessesarily and rightly put me in my place. I was only teasing in reply.

I have to say, Mr Nosy was a book we ALWAYS read at my Nana's and brings back fond memories. And we had Mr Uppity at home. We also had Little Miss Trouble, because apparently she is me. Or was, at the time.

Magdalene said...

My favourites were always Mr Noisy and Mr Messy. Oh dear.. do you think there could there be a subconscious connection between childhood literature and my current choice in paramours?:-/

Ju's little sister said...

Deifnitley, those books were chocca-full of subliminal messages, and morals, and things.

lorenzothellama said...

Mr Messy was just brilliant, but what about Mr Tickle and those arms? Just think what you could do with arms then long and flexible especially to someone with weird tastes!

Rob Hopcott said...

Hey TR, apparently, the number of skips around is an indicator of economic activity.

Perhaps we should all get skips outside our doors then we'd all be rich. Yippee! Parteee!

BTW, I just tried the link to WordImperfect in your index. I think it might be missing an 'e' before the 'ct'.

Hope this helps :-)

Thesaurus Rex said...

ok, teach is back and intends to steer the conversation wherever he can.
£1000, well well. I'm sure I'll find stuff soon as not only Rob's economic activity but good weather and spring in general bring skip filling to the fore. I do genuinely have a family history which includes 'scavengers' as a trade for a couple of generations in the 19th century. Without people who get things from skips etc, the rest of our opulent and decadent society would be up to their knees in their own shit. Far better for others to reuse their shit for furniture, shed rebuilds etc. It just takes time to gather/scavenge ALL the correct materials to make the genuine architectural masterpiece my garden deserves.
JLS et al; literature. I'm bored with reading again now after a quick burst on a few decent books. I much prefer hands on busy diy creativity at the moment, plus walks in beautiful sunny countryside, football, cricket nets and trying to avoid the pubs of S.W. England with limited success.
Milo; Hi dude, great surprise to see a comment. Thanx 4 the activist support. I dug my own tunnel (using skip found Spear and Jackson No. 3) and escaped to the surreal world again. So watcha gonna do now you're back. Write a book maybe? Run for president?
Return to comment at will but beware extraordinary over use of sarcasm and the word 'runcible'

Viking Warrior said...

Come anywhere near my skip yon laddie and thou wilst find thyself verily run through with longboat paddle.
Mr Men Books? Bah. Yon load of poufters. Thou wilst be quoting Rupert Fecking Bear next.

Maalie said...

I think T. Rex is right. There are also 13 items currently up for auction on eBay under the name of Gordon Bennett. I just did a search.

Skips outside houses being renovated are always good for a peep. You can find perfectly good planks of wood, rolls of chicken wire, all sorts of things that can be recycled into bird traps (under licence, of course, I'm not an outlaw and I think I've be exhorted to do more than enough repenting for one lifetime).

Magdalene said...

Maalie, I'm intrigued. Why on Earth would you be looking for a Gordon Bennett on ebay?

lorenzothellama said...

Mags. Maalie is a law unto himself and if he was delving into Gordon Bennett then he would have had a very good reason!

Viking Warrior said...

If thou abuses my parents-in-law young snivelling piece of skip waste, thou wilst have Viking wrath wrapped aroundeth parts of yon anatomy.